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NASA Successfully Completes First Masturbation in Space
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL. Forced to postpone a historic medical experiment involving the first sex in space (originally planned for July 2010) because of the current budget crisis, NASA decided to scale back the project and instead got ready for the first masturbation in space.
U.S. scientists had long speculated how the body would react upon such activity in the weightless space. That knowledge would come in handy during future space travel involving years in confined space, possibly to Mars.
After an intensive, four month training course, Lt. Col Jeffrey Engelgardt began to masturbate while flying 940 miles above the Earth's surface with spaceship speeds reaching over twelve miles per second.
Heroically, the officer managed to continue the experiment for a record 52 minutes and 31.86 seconds. The astronaut later confessed he was inspired by the magnificent space view of his native state of Florida .
His wife Linda, when asked whether she was surprised by her husband's heroism, said, "I was not surprised. He has never been afraid to place his body in the line of danger. What really surprised me was the length of the experiment. We're going to talk when he returns"
The fascinated press broadcasted the experiment live to millions around the world, including many politicians such as the Speaker of the U.S. House, U.S. Secretary of State, and even a German Chancellor.
Amnesty International, advocators of human rights around the world, called the experiment "a triumph", considering it was successfully completed while flying above Saudi Arabia, where such activity is repeatedly punished by cutting off the left hand for the first offense and the right hand for the second. The Saudis, to this day, still claim that they have never recorded a third offense.
Meanwhile NASA administrator Jack Greene announced agency’s plans to widen research on human interaction together with the European Space Agency. This time, scientists will research how the body will react during a French-kiss in zero gravity space. The Houston Research Center will soon welcome a new astronaut, Mademoiselle Geraldine DeLaVieuville, for three months of intensive training.
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