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House Prices Have Fallen Into Negative Numbers
House prices have fallen again all over the nation for the seventh month in a row, with some prices dropping well below zero, and into negative numbers.
This new phenomenon has taken the banks by storm as they have found themselves owing thousands of home owners money.
John Livingson, a Kentucky sunflower-seed picker, bought his house for a little over $300,000 just a few years back only to see it drop to an astonishing negative value of -$112,000.
"This is the happiest day of my life!" John exclaims. "Finally the tables have turned and it's the bank that owes me money. I told that loan officer to go $*@# himself once and for all."Like, John, many of these newly empowered home owners have been unwilling to give banks fair interest rates. Some have even resorted to threatening the banks with foreclosure ultimatums.
But not everyone is as excited as John. Barbara Hardone, a self-employed methamphetamine dealer, has been left with nothing to spend her money on."I get these checks from the bank and I don't know what to do with it! My four children have been getting spoiled rotten, my husband quit his job to become a full time gambler, and all my relatives aretrying to move in. How am I supposed to live this way?" Barbara asks anxiously.
After careful studying, a group of UCLA ecnomics professors claim that this phenomenon is in fact impossible, and that these negative house prices are a complete fabrication created by a bunch of ass-backwards hillbily farmers with nothing better to do with their lives. Another elusive side-theory revolves around San Francisco programmer culprits. However, to this day, both claims havebeen refuted by various press agencies around the nation, and since then the professors have been fired and even beaten by angry mobs.
Of course, the question that still remains, is what happens when those houses go back to positive numbers? Livingson told us that he has caught loan officers and even brokers trying to break into his housein attempts to remodel and renovate his home without his permission. The local authorities have been notified, and are now more aware of these desperate vigilantes.
Livingson says he's taken matters into his own hands also:"I borrowed a bunch of pigs from my cousin Larry, and let them live in my living room. When it comes to protecting my investments, I'm not going to mess around." John even smeared the walls of his house withfertilizer, just in case. "Ain't nobody buying this house ever again!"
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